I WAS A BEAST

I can’t remember exactly how we got on this subject, but my husband last night was talking about how he wasn’t in his prime anymore. Which was a known fact already, but anyways.  Then he started to tell me how he use to be when he was younger.  I knew this was going to be interesting.  He stood up out of his lazy boy chair and said, woman you have no idea, I use to be a f$%#ing beast back in the day.  I managed to hold my laugh in, but it was hard lol.  I looked at him and said, you’re definitely not a beast anymore, You’re a f$%#ing donkey, but I still love you. He gave me this serious but trying to hold his laugh in type of look.  He then said, oh someone wants to be a smatass.  Well It’s what I do best honey.  Then I said I’m just kidding honey, I know you were a beast back in the day.  Then I gave him a hug and kiss, and told him I loved him.  Sometimes you just got to step back and let them have their moment.  My grandfather once told me that you shouldn’t hurt a mans pride.  I definitely didn’t want to hurt my husbands pride, besides I think it’s sexy when he tries to act hard.  Love him so much 🙂

GONE WITH THE WIND

This story is about a miniature Eskimo Spitz dog named kitty.  That’s right the dogs name was kitty lol.  She was my grandmothers dog.  My gram chose the name kitty because she always wanted a cat too, and she knew she couldn’t get another animal other than this dog, so she named it kitty.  This story takes place about 8 years ago.

Picture it, Oakdale 2006.  It was a beautiful summer day, not a cloud in sight.  It was a perfect day to go out for a drive, so that’s what I did.  I decided to take kitty with me.  I loaded kitty into my 1993 Oldsmobile Cutless Ciera named Eleanor .  I sat her on the passenger side seat, then I shut the door.  Once I was in the car, I buckled up and pressed play on my cd player and put my headphones on.  Now I know this is a big no no, but my radio didn’t work in the car, and I just had to have music.  The car also didn’t have a horn, which was probably not a good thing either lol.  After picking track number 6, Here I go again by Whitesnake on my cd player, I put the car in gear and heading down the road.  The speed limit was 35 mph, but I was going 45.  I guess I have never been good at following the rules.  As I continued driving down this long road, putting the pedal to the metal,  I decided to put both the driver and the passenger side windows all the way down.  I wanted to feel the wind on my face, my long hair blowing in the breeze, you get my drift.   I would soon find out that this was also a big no no too when you have a dog riding in your car.  I looked over at kitty and she was just sitting on the passenger side seat, she wasn’t up on the window at all.  I continued to Cruz down the road jamming to white snake.  Thank goodness for peripheral vision, because out of the corner of my eye I seen this white puff ball fly out the window.  I pulled over real quick and slammed on the brakes.  I was panicking.  I was so shook up that the only thing I could pull myself to do, was open the car door and just sit there calling, here kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty.  Within a few seconds of calling her, she jumped back into the car on my lap.  I kept hugging her.  I was so thankful she was okay.  She didn’t have a single scratch on her.  Thank goodness I wasn’t on a highway, because things might of been allot worse.  I can only imagine what the drivers behind me must of been thinking.  They must of thought it was a big snowball.  They were probably really confused since it was august, the hottest month of the year and this big white fluffy snowball looking thing was flying in the air.  I just don’t understand it, she was just sitting on the seat.  She wasn’t even up on the window.  It was the like the wind just sucked her right out the window.  Poor baby.  For a small moment in time I guess you can say she was Gone With The Wind. 

OPERATION POKE AND HOPE

Lets talk about sex and baby making.  I personally like to call it Operation Poke and Hope, (he pokes and she hopes).  Baby making (OPH) sucks the life and fun right out couples.  I’m here to tell you that you can change this.  Baby making can be fun, hot, sexy, steamy, and spontaneous, and lets not forget naughty, that one should never be left out.

Woman don’t need to climax in order to conceive, but that doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t.  Hey why let him have all the fun.  During the OPH process, woman tend to not care about having an orgasm.  Woman are more worried about getting their mans deposit instead of enjoying the moment and having great sex.  Be patient ladies, the bank isn’t closing anytime soon, remember you run that shit.  Your the CEO of the company, so enjoy yourself, there will be plenty of time for his big deposit. I know the biological clock is ticking and you need to get cracking (Marisa Tomei said it best in the movie My Cousin Vinny), but try and  focus on having more fun and bringing foreplay back into the bedroom, make your man work for it.  Just because your trying to conceive, doesn’t mean sex should be something quick just so you can get to the end result faster.  You deserve to have fun too.  I have seen this many of times before, as soon as couples stop thinking about the OPH and just focus on relaxing and having fun, that’s when pregnancy occurs.  Don’t let the OPH process consume you, because it will happen, and it will put allot of stress on your relationship and sex life, and you don’t want that to happen. Try not to stress now, because you will be stressed enough once the kids start popping out.

Don’t just have sex in the bedroom either, work your way through the house or even outside the house.  Have sex in the kitchen, in the pool (weather permitting), on top of the washing machine, in the pickup truck, or if your really feeling adventurous have him lean you over his 2 stroke (dirt bike) if he has one.  That’s always a fun ride. If you want to have some more fun, mix it up a little bit and bring in the whips and chains and handcuffs. Hell if you really want to , get a custom made paddle with your favorite design on it.   You can even do some role playing, whatever floats your boat.  It’s always fun to inflict some pain too. Pain can be a good and pleasurable thing.  Hey sometimes love hurts.

So just relax and go out there and have some mind blowing sex.  Come on people lets make baby making fun 🙂

WOMEN GET THE BLUE BALLS TOO

Yes that’s right, you heard me correctly, women get the blue balls too, but it’s called the pink balls.  If a man doesn’t have an orgasm, many of them complain that they have an unbearable feeling below the waist, known as the blue balls.  Woman can experience the same thing.  It can be physically irritating and emotionally frustrating.  It’s  a type of vasocongestion, meaning swelling of the tissues due to increase blood flow.  So many men complain about the blue balls.  Well guess what gentlemen , you do it to us too.  I guess men thought that if they came up with a name for their condition, that maybe just maybe we would feel obligated to help them with this problem.  Yeah They must of been thinking with wrong head.  Woman deserve to orgasm just as often as men.  Don’t worry this problem will never cause any harm to your privates, which is a good thing, because we don’t want nothing to happen to our special areas.  It may be tough to fall asleep with your mind on sex, but the feeling quickly subsides as soon as the blood flow to the area decreases.  If your having problems with the pink balls, and if he doesn’t want to step up to the plate then you might have to take matters into your own hands, if you know what I mean!  My opinion is, if you tease it, you had better please it, because if you don’t your going to get kicked in the nuts so hard dust is gonna fly.  But that’s just my opinion. It kinda works both ways though.  Ladies if you have a good man that doesn’t cause you to get the pink balls then make sure you show some love so he doesn’t get the blue balls.  Come on everyone, show some ball love and and stop leaving your significant other hanging.  Lets eliminate this horrible condition one sex act at a time.

OH NO HE DIDN’T

So in previous posts of my blog I have discussed that my husband doesn’t posses the ability to shut the hell up.  With that being said let me tell you what happened a few months before our wedding date.  We had to meet up with the reverend to discuss what was going to happened at the wedding.  Soon as we got to the church we sat down and started talking with the reverend.  The reverend started asking us questions like how did you meet, how long have you been together ect.  Well like always my husband can’t help himself.  And for some odd reason he thought it was important to tell the reverend that I look like sides show bob when I first wake up in the morning.  I was about to do a Gibbs on him and smack him upside is head.  But that wouldn’t necessarily be appropriate.  Oh but he was definitely getting it when we got home lol.  Him and the reverend were both laughing.  My husband looked at me and said what I’m just being honest in the house of the Lord.  Man he really drives me crazy sometimes.

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SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT

So my husband and I went to the bar the other night.  It was so nice to finally get to go out for a change instead of being stuck in the house.  We sat at the bar and ordered our drinks.  Normally I always order a pop, anybody who knows me, knows that I don’t like to drink.  Just a coke and a smile does it for me.  But I decided that one drink wasn’t going to hurt, so  I ordered a sex on the beach, and the bartender who made it, did a great job, it tasted awesome.  After sucking down the alcoholic beverage, I was feeling really good lol.  I guess for never drinking, I had such a low tolerance.  I started giggling.  My husband looked at me laughing and said woman your crazy, but I’m glad your enjoying yourself.  Do you want another drink he asked ?  You just want to get me drunk so you can take advantage of me.  He lifted my left hand up and pointed to my wedding rings and said, please woman, I don’t have to take advantage of you , I own this lol.  Your all mine, bought and payed for.  After he said that I took my hand back and started taking my rings off, and looked at him and said come on honey show me what you got, try to pick me up.  Pretend were not married.  Come on I want to see what your working with here 🙂   He started laughing , your so crazy honey , but that’s why I love you.  As he continued laughing I said come on show me how you would pick me up.  I can’t he said.  Well why not, I asked him.  He leaned in real close and said Because  If Unzip my pants right now then we will both get kicked out of here.  That’s how you were going to pick me up I asked him. Woman you know damn well if I would unzip my pants right now , that would be game.  I started laughing and said you know me so well honey lol. We then both started laughing.  He then leaned in and a gave me a kiss.  I’m truly blessed, in more ways than one 🙂 I  love my husband so much.

2014 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 1,000 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 17 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

ALMOST HAD SUDDEN POOP EXPLOSION

Did you ever just go out and take a nice walk around your neighborhood, and as your walking around you start taking in the nice fresh air and great scenery.  The birds are chirping, it’s a beautiful sunny day, 75 degrees, and you’re just taking it all in and then BAM it suddenly hits you.  You didn’t even know it was coming, You know if you take one more step, shits definitely going to roll out.  Well that’s what happened to me.  And it’s definitely not how I like to roll lol.

Well like I said it was sunny and 75, and I decided to take a nice walk with my daughter.  We decided to walk to the subway to have lunch and then walk back home.  the subway was only a couple miles away.  I guess you can say we wanted to do the whole jarred thing.  We had a game plan.  Well after making it to the subway and having lunch , we started to head back to the house.  We got about half way home and then BAM without a warning at all, I thought the shit was going to start rolling out.  I had to think quick.  So I Immediately clenched my butt cheeks together and held my legs close together.  It was so bad that I knew for sure that if I tried to take one more step shit was going to start rolling.  I wasn’t willing to take that chance.  I stayed put and told my daughter I can’t move anymore or poop was going to fly.  She starting laughing and said I know you can do it, we are almost home.  She tried to cheer me on.  I told her no it’s just not going to happen.  I can’t, it won’t be good if I take a step.  I told her that if I take one more step their will be sudden poop explosion.  So while she started laughing some more, I then picked up the phone and called my mother n law  to see if she would be able to come pick us up and take us the rest of the way home.  She lived close by, so I decided to call her first.  When I told her what was going on, she came right away to our rescue.  To this day I am very thankful she came to our rescue.  She took us home right away.  Once I got home, I said thank you and I ran so fast to the toilet.  If I was a track runner I probably would have set a new record.  I learned my lesson if i’m going to eat anything don’t eat until I get back from the walk, and If we want to eat out ,then I will make sure I drive there lol.

Later on that evening my father n law called me, because he heard what happened and he couldn’t stop laughing.  My husband couldn’t stop laughing either.  I guess looking back now it was pretty funny, but at the time it wasn’t.  I’m so lucky I didn’t have sudden poop explosion .

Please feel free to share with all your friends and family 😉

CHAPPED GENITALS

Do you have hard chapped vagina lips, or is your penis and balls chapped. Or maybe you are one of the lucky ones and haven’t experience the chapping yet.  Well whether or not the genitals are chapped, i’m here to inform you that It’s almost winter time, and you got to get a plan in place to protect the genitals.  People I can’t stress this enough, if the genitals are chapped , there goes all the fun right out the window.  Yeah that’s right, no crazy sex night.  Now we don’t want this to happen, now do we.  Absolutely not.  If we don’t got sex what do we have lol  Sex is a must.  So I listed below 3 steps you can take to prevent you from getting chapped genitals.

1- Get a Genital massage from your partner.  Make sure he or she creams you up with some of the best cream that’s out there.  I personally like the udder cream, but my husband prefers the Vaseline.  Hey the genitals need some interaction.  They won’t be able to prevent from getting chapped without a little help.  Lets show some genital love.

2- Clean and soak the shit out of them. Soaking can never hurt. You got to de-stress the genitals and of course cleaning is a must.

3- Last but not least.  I want you to skip, dance, do the moon walk, and the running man around the house in your birthday suit.  Because we all know that the genitals needs some airing out from time to time, plus it wouldn’t hurt to work on them dance moves.  Kill 2 birds with one stone.  You could be hip and have non chapped genitals.  How great would that be.

So their you have it, the 3 steps to prevent genital chapping. Or it can also help if the genitals are already chapped. If you follow these steps, I promise you , you will have the best looking genitals ever.  Your friends will be jealous.

Please feel free to share with all your family and friends.  We got to get the word out there people.  Lets show some genital love and spread the word.

MY BANK CARD WAS CHILLING WITH MY HOO-HA

Yesterday I woke up at 5 am, I had to get my daughter up and ready for school, and then I had to get ready to go meet one of my friends for breakfast.  While my daughter was getting ready I decided to pay my phone bill because the payment was due and I didn’t want to forget to pay it.  So I got my card out of my purse and made the phone call to pay my bill.  After paying the bill, I then went upstairs to finish getting ready.  When It was time for me to leave, I was looking around to make sure I had everything.  I had everything except my card.  I searched all through my purse, because I could have sworn I put it back in there.  Then I checked every room in the house thinking maybe I sat it down somewhere.  I found nothing.  I didn’t  have much time to keep searching for the card so I got some cash out of my husbands wallet and decided to look for it again when I got back home, because I had to be at the restaurant at a certain time.

When I got to the restaurant, my friend and I took a seat at one of the tables.  After the waitress took our orders, I told my friend , I’ll be right back I have to use the restroom.  Soon as I sat down on the toilet, I looked down and noticed my bank card resting perfectly in my underwear.  I was shocked because I never felt it and this has never happened to me before lol,  I must of been really tired, because after paying my phone bill I chose to put my bank card in my underwear with my hoo-ha instead of back in my purse like normal people do.  When I went back out to the table, I told my friend everything.  We couldn’t stop laughing.  She kept saying, only you, this stuff only happens to you lol  Then I text my husband and said, I found my card honey, It was chilling with my hoo-ha.  He texted back and said thats it your not allowed to have the card no more lol

This experience was too funny.  So what did you think about this story?  Has this ever happened to you ?  Please share with all your friends, and please don’t forget to put your card back in your purse and not with your hoo-ha 🙂